infected with seven unknown diseases

Sun, 06 Mar 2005 12:45:49 GMT

Confidential to serial adder:

Right guesses: two journals identified (out of fifteen total)
Wrong guesses: one

Your detective work is pathetic. It's not like I go out of my way to hide.

Thu, 09 Sep 2004 15:03:51 GMT

LOL RIP maggot_eater

Thu, 09 Sep 2004 02:20:23 GMT

HELLO GOONS. THANK YOU AGAIN FOR ALL THE ATTENTION. I HAVE SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT TO TELL YOU. ARE YOU READY? GOOD. HERE IT IS. I HAVE BEEN DOING MORE RESEARCH INTO THE SECRET PARTS OF YOUR JOURNALS AND I HAVE LEARNED SOMETHING VERY FUNNY: IN THE TIME THAT IT TOOK YOU TO READ THIS MESSAGE THAT I AM LEAVING FOR YOU HERE ON THE INTERNET, YOU COULD HAVE LEFT THE WORDS "rofl" ON THE JOURNALS OF, ON THE AVERAGE, THIRTY-SEVEN FURRIES. WE APOLOGIZE FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE THIS MESSAGE MAY HAVE CAUSED YOU. ALSO, elgorgo, FOUNDER OF furry_holocaust, IS A CHUNKMUFFIN WHO CAN'T LAND A DATE.

Wed, 08 Sep 2004 23:45:07 GMT

THIS JUST IN: rooster_tree, AFTER A HEATED DEBATE WITH HIMSELF, ADMITS SINGLE-HANDEDLY PROVOKING YEARS OF ATTACKS BETWEEN FURRIES AND GOONS FOR HIS OWN AMUSEMENT. WITH HIS SINISTER INFLUENCE REMOVED, PEACE BETWEEN THESE TWO FRACTIOUS GROUPS IS SURE TO FOLLOW.

i got them omg pwned again blues mama :(

Wed, 08 Sep 2004 22:35:20 GMT

"When will YOU STFU? Let's make a bunch of journals and stalk a bunch of people you don't know while wasting several hours because you dont care." -- cookiecache

Good advice, ma'am. Leaving comments on random strangers journals is a really lame thing to devote yourself too.

Ms. Cache took the time to delete and replace her comment with a calmer version an hour later. This is because she's so unphased by all my trolling and had to prove that to the world. I'll bet she deletes the new comment too, which will be internet hilarious thanks to elgorgo, the great roly-poly King of Internet.

Meanwhile, maggot_eater is trying the same "let's turn this into a positive" thing that the goddamn furries keep doing, leaving me love notes in her journal. I think this is just cute as a button and I might stop fucking with her for a while.

killhamster is a fellow L33T GAMER and will also be troubled no further.

Let's go over this again. A bunch of trolls, whose defining and exclusive contribution to the Internet is being lame and offensive on purpose, is criticizing somebody else for doing lame offensive things. And how are they doing it? By being lame and offensive.

They still have no idea this is why I find them funny. This is a total victory as far as I'm concerned. The idea you can ruin this by omg being sarcastic is even funnier. What else can you asshats even do?

i made you eat your parents

Tue, 07 Sep 2004 19:02:59 GMT

Making trolls fight for my pleasure is awesome. I love taking away all pretense of their cunning. I especially love it when they try to make excuses. They act all unimpressed by the same stupid shit they congratulate themselves for doing, and that's what's funny, not the admittedly lame threat posted by sneaking into their journals.

elgorgo, watching you try to deflate my ego made for a great epiloque. As if it weren't already enough to a) watch you get pissed over an innocent grammar troll b) infiltrate your community and help keep the signal-noise ratio down to nothing c) win a vote control of that community and watch you suddenly cop out (WHERE IS IT LEBOWSKI) d) get that peek into your sad personal life. You weren't supposed to be impressed, but come on, how could I not share your misery with furries? That's just the thoughtful guy I am.

maggot_eater, you are very stupid for falling for the userinfo troll. I look forward to you either pretending you knew all along, or saying it wasn't that impressive. You're right, it's not. But the irony of a run-of-the-mill troll saying so will be worth hearing. Your whole routine is to congratulate yourselves for doing lame things to people, isn't it? And you people whine as bad as anybody when it's turned around on you. That's just awesome.

killhamster, yay, you won! Good for you! But the real winners are people who just let these things slide, cause you know, it's all just words on a screen. [UPDATE: cookiecache and maggot_eater are internet sleuths! Good job, kids!]

Thanks to several of you for your phone numbers and addresses. They will go unabused except for posting them to every troll thread I catch you or a friend of yours on. I don't expect this to terrify you, it's just funny. I guess I just believe in personal responsibility. (finestdrops, just for my personal records, is the 585-350-xxxx number still good? You're not a "fucking failure" and I think you need to hear it from a total stranger before you'll really believe it. :( )

verix, you're a slightly dumb and basically nice kid and I don't have the heart to do anything else with all your locked teenaged angst posts. You hang around with a bunch of awesome furry trolls and your pic looks Asian so I'm afraid you might know kung fu.

[UPDATE: giggerota is going for the record for "Most Comments Devoted To Feigning Indifference!" Cheer her on, below.]

[UPDATE: cookiecache apparently also believes you prove your indifference to something by talking and talking and talking about it. Keep feeding it, folks!]

For being such a good sport, I leave this post open to comments. Before you make some predictable crack about how it's all just "internet," maybe you should stop and wonder why I went through all this trouble to use you as performance art. The weak facade of detachment doesn't fool anybody. You care about this too, or you wouldn't be bothering to notice at all. It's hilarious watching some of you tell the people you troll not to take things seriously, then spend upwards of 60+ comments trying to figure out who _lorem_ipsum_ is. (You were all wrong. gb2fark rofl!)

Now I'm outta here for real, but please keep feeding my ego by paying attention to me. It's too late to pretend that you only internet care about this. I've seen too many "omg who is this guy god hes annoying" posts already. Some of you genuinely feel violated, and you just can't come out and say it because unfiltered emotion is a no-no in that crowd. That's what I learned from this, and that's what's funny. You don't choose to be ironic, you have to. You're not any more interesting in private.

For any of these people's victims who are watching, I have so much proof of these people's deep personal lameness now it's incredible. I'll be posting more of it when I can, but only for the people who will benefit from it most. I don't care about proving it to anybody else. Maybe I'll post snippets of it to drama threads.

Pay no attention to these amateur trolls. Unless it's to toy with their feelings, which are very real and very fun to hurt and annoy. They pretend they're immune to this wacky stuff but they're not at all. The stuff I did was lame, but the sweet part is, it only highlights how much lamer they are, because they never had a clue.

Sun, 05 Sep 2004 01:32:44 GMT

I accomplished my goal. I read some trolls' private entries. I posted them to some amusing places. I got a good laugh as more and more of you friended me. I did a crappy job hiding my identity but I guess it didn't matter. Time for me to go before I become this thing. Good night.

Sat, 04 Sep 2004 15:31:58 GMT

The heavenly garden is no more than the skin of her unsuspecting host, the lake of heaven no more than the bloodstream upon which she battens and feeds.

"Fuck the abuse team. Fuck them with a horse dick covered in broken glass."

You have been compromised.

Sat, 04 Sep 2004 13:57:16 GMT

And she realizes that she is a monstrous, parasitical insect.

A note to the comedic mastermind who goatse'd my other troll journal:

Your festering anal cavities are like trophies to me.

They mean you cared enough to respond.

I love you, in a deep and homoerotic way, and I accept your many offers.

Sat, 04 Sep 2004 13:25:57 GMT

And as she dips to drink, her eyes are opened to the hideous truth behind the illusion of existence.

I just came back to say that you get double points if you make somebody cry for the very first time.

cookiecache, I'm confused. Why are you deleting people's comments if nothing on the Internet really matters? Disabling anonymous comments is the way of the weak. I think those bunnies must be slowly turning you into a furry, but I'm sorry that troll hurt your feelings. :(

Tue, 13 Apr 2004 03:54:56 GMT

And then, on one glorious evening, she ventures to the crystal lake of sweet ambrosia which nourishes her.

Oh, one more thing: one of Livejournal's stranger communities of perverts is a complete hoax. It was started by a bored goth and a bunch of his friends. They thought they'd created a web fetish so strange that nobody would believe it. Silly boy. Within a month it had hundreds of new members. They were so happy there were other people like them. By that point even he couldn't tell who's for real.

I wouldn't lie to you.

Now that's a troll. Let that be a lesson to other goons. You have not even begun to exploit the hilarious flaws of the human mind.

PSA

Tue, 13 Apr 2004 03:14:03 GMT

Each perfect day is spent indulging in pleasure. Godlike, she wants for nothing.

Hi, I'm a troll.

Whatever I might have said on your journal, I don't really hate you.

The truth is, I don't give a fuck about you one way or the other.

At some level, I suspect you know this. You're given a choice. To believe that somebody out there feels threatened enough by who you are and what you do to hate you. Or to recognize that you've been picked at random out of dozens of other groups that we troll because you might give us an amusing reaction.

Of course, you choose the first one. It's better to think that you're hated for yourself than to think you don't matter.

If you let that idea into your head, that the words we leave on your journal don't really matter, it might open you up to more dangerous ideas. If your enemies don't really hate you, maybe your friends don't really love you. Maybe, in their own way, they're just trying to provoke a reaction from you, one that feeds their own need for validation.

Don't get me wrong. We're not here to save you. We're here to entertain ourselves. You mean nothing to us.

But we are beneficial. Our laughing at you serves a useful, possibly even vital purpose. We control the emotions you have failed to control.

We are the filth. We are the parasites. We are the diseases. We make you stronger than you are.

I'm not telling you this again.

Tue, 13 Apr 2004 02:35:41 GMT

The story is told of a woman who finds herself in a glorious garden of unsurpassed beauty and luxury.

There was an article going around about a scheme used by porn spammers to beat CAPTCHA tests. The scheme takes advantage of a very cheap, simple, and predictable resource: humans. The test image is copied to a porn website and visitors are rewarded with a free porn image in exchange for decoding the CAPTCHA. It's like a water wheel spun by the urges of horny nerds.

Anger and boredom are even cheaper commodities. The number of man-hours being put into trolling and whining about trolling is huge. There must be some way to exploit you people for cash. Time to start thinking about a drama-powered engine.

WE ARE THE HAND...

Thu, 08 Apr 2004 07:58:31 GMT

...THAT WIPES THE ARSE OF THE WORLD